Cock Culling
In biology, culling is the process of segregating organisms from a group according to desired or undesired characteristics.
Let’s start with I am sorting based on desired characteristics of cocks — actually, this piece could be revolutionary, not to toot my own horn, but seriously. It is no secret that I love the D and like to have my fair share of it. I have seen them in all shapes, sizes, colors, grooming habits, you name it. So, today we will be Cuck Cullling, based on size only, and I promise I am making them all desirable; you are welcome, men (and women). Below is The Oyster’s Culling Chart on Cocks.
Big Ol’ Dick (6.5”+) — Alright, so we all know why a Big Ol’ Dick is great; it fills ya up, goes in nice and deep, and rubs all over for incredible stimulation. Everyone who likes intimacy with a penis loves busting the buttoned package open to see a nice, girthy, long cock. Come on, it’s like daddy getting you a Porcha for your birthday; you are fucking happy. Regardless of whether he is skilled or not, you know you are gonna have a good time. That’s why we love it, guaranteed crowd-pleaser, kind of like a puppy. However, it does open up some issues, the main one being that guys with Big Ol’ Dicks can get lazy. I AM NOT saying all of them are lazy, but it still isn’t entirely a requirement for Big Ol’ Dick owner to get you off. Another issue is that long-term use could result in hotdog down the hallway situations down the road. You also have the giving head problem… even if you have the most giant mouth on the planet, a Big Ol’ Dick is harder to get down. You can’t have as much fun with tongue play and requires more technique and tricks to satisfy. Lastly, there is the possibility of “Big Dick Energy,” which is an occasional side effect of having Big Ol’ Dick. Now, these issues may be worth the guaranteed good time, but as in all things, that choice is yours.
Pros — 80% chance of great gasms.
Cons — can lack technique, a higher chance of loose vag, Big Dick Energy, advanced to expert head skills recommended.
Husband Dick (4.5–6”) — The trusty old Husband Dick, gotta love them. As the name alludes, these things are built for the long haul. They are a great size in a sense they can get deep but also touch the lower spots. They aren’t too much to handle, but your chance of orgasm is high. Because these men fall just shy of the “ever desired” Big Ol’ Dick, they care more about mastering technique. Husband Dicks are great to suck down on; you can get a good deep throat and use more tongue trickery. This Cock Culling Classification is as reliable as your Toyota and can be just as fun. There is more chance of a bad time with Husband Dick if the owner is entirely unskilled, but you can always make it work if you take the reins. I can’t think of many downsides to Husband Dick, do heed warning though just because they have a Husband Dick does not mean they are husband material.
Pros — 65% chance of great gasms, intermediate and up head skills recommended, a higher chance of good technique, longevity.
Cons — high chance of bad time with an unskilled user, the name does not mean he should be a husband.
G Spot Dick (4”-) — Now, this is where I hope to change all the stereotypes by using my marketing skills and rebranding “Tiny Piny” to “G Spot Dick.” So, there is always the moment when you get in the pants and realize your exciting new toy might fall a little short… I want you to redirect this thought and think, “YES, I am about to have a MIND-BLOWING G SPOT GASM.” If the user plays right and is highly skilled, you are in for just that. I am telling you, first hand, that I have had some of the best orgasms without any clitoral stimulation or ass play with G Spot Dicks. These mighty things are just the perfect size to tap right onto that magic button over and over and over and over again till you literally explode. I am not joking; they can be mind-blowing. They are also the MOST fun to suck. A friend of mine who falls in this category repeatedly would tell me after hooking up with someone new how great the head was. But, of course, it’s always good; there is so much room for activity with G Spot D! You can get tricky and technical with your tongue. Suck that thing like a never-ending popsicle, and deep throat it like a mother fuckin champ. Sorry Big Ol’ Dicks, G Spot D prevails here. However, as with everything, there are some risks… if the owner of this potentially magical wand has not learned of its magic yet, you are SOL. It’s pizzaing when you want to French fry, your gonna have a bad time. There is also a very high chance he drives a “Small Dick Truck.” An obnoxiously big and loud truck requiring intermediate climbing skills to get in (especially when fun-sized).
Pros — insane G spot gasms, no chance of loose vag, dick-suckers of all levels welcome
Cons — 50% chance of a bad time, Small Dick Trucks
There you go, world. Cock Culling is redefining the D. I hope everyone learned something new today and will apply it to their sexual explorations. Have safe, be fun, and good luck out there. #GSpotDick
